43 entries
Language engineered so that nothing is ever anyone’s fault and no decision is ever final.
Search within Business Bafflegab →AK-shun EYE-temnounBafflegab
A task assigned aloud in a meeting so that it can be safely forgotten by everyone present.
Real meaningSomeone will be blamed for this later.
"I'll capture action items and circulate them by end of day."
uh-LYNverbEuphemism
To secure agreement by scheduling the same conversation four times, until the objections are too tired to attend.
Real meaningWe will keep meeting until you stop disagreeing.
"Let's align on the narrative before we take it to leadership."
BAND-widthnounEuphemism
A finite personal resource that becomes infinite when a senior leader is asking and zero the moment you are.
Real meaningI have capacity for anything except this.
"I just don't have the bandwidth for another workstream right now."
best PRAK-tisnounBafflegab
Whatever the largest competitor did, adopted without evidence and defended thereafter as though it were gravity.
Real meaningSomebody's guess, now policy.
"We're introducing it as a best practice across the org."
kan yoo see my skreenphraseBafflegab
A question asked by someone who has been presenting to a frozen image of their own desktop for four minutes.
Real meaningWe have abandoned the agenda and are now troubleshooting.
"Can you see my screen? Let me try sharing the other tab."
SUR-kul bakverbEuphemism
A tactical postponement technique used in meetings to delay a decision until the underlying problem either resolves itself or destroys the company.
Real meaningI am ignoring this until next quarter.
"Let's circle back on the budget projections after everyone has forgotten we discussed them."
KLUS-ter-fuknounSpicyDiagnosis
A project with eleven owners, no decision-maker, and a launch date that cannot move.
Real meaningEveryone is responsible, which is how nobody is.
"The integration has become a bit of a clusterfuck."
deep dyvnounBafflegab
A ninety-minute examination of a question that was answered in the first four, attended by eleven people, ending in a request for another meeting.
Real meaningThe answer was in the first four minutes. This is what we did instead.
"Let's do a deep dive next week and come back with a recommendation."
DEV-ulz AD-vuh-kutnounEuphemism
A person who raises objections they do not hold, in order to delay a decision they dislike without being held responsible for delaying it.
Real meaningI am blocking this from a safe distance.
"Let me play devil's advocate — what happens if this succeeds?"
doo mor with lesphraseEuphemism
An instruction to absorb the work of departed colleagues at unchanged pay, described as an opportunity.
Real meaningWork harder for the same money.
"We're asking everyone to do more with less this quarter."
DUB-ul klikverbBafflegab
To ask a follow-up question, phrased as a gesture of curiosity rather than interrogation.
Real meaningExplain yourself.
"Can I double-click on that assumption for a second?"
hard stopnounBafflegab
The moment a meeting must end, disclosed forty minutes in and treated by everyone as an act of God rather than a calendar.
Real meaningI have somewhere better to be, and you are hearing about it now.
"I've got a hard stop at half past, so let's keep this tight."
hed kowntnounEuphemism
Employees, counted as a resource right up until the moment they are counted as a cost.
Real meaningPeople, but on a spreadsheet.
"We're managing head count carefully into next year."
HED-windznounEuphemism
External conditions blamed for internal failure, cited in the same deck that claims personal credit for everything that went right.
Real meaningIt is the economy's fault, never ours.
"We delivered solid results despite significant macro headwinds."
eye hohp yoo ar welphraseBafflegab
A mandatory opening ritual whose sincerity is inversely proportional to the size of the favour that follows it.
Real meaningI have not thought about you once, and I am about to ask for something.
"I hope you're well! Quick one, could you review this by Friday?"
EYE-dee-aytverbBafflegab
To have a thought while being paid, and to describe it in a way that guarantees no one enjoys it.
Real meaningBrainstorm, but worse.
"Let's ideate on some bold directions for the rebrand."
just FOL-oh-ing upphraseEuphemism
A second contact, sent to confirm that the first was received and ignored, and to establish a paper trail for the sender's own protection.
Real meaningI am documenting that this is your fault.
"Just following up on my previous email — any update on the approval?"
LUR-ningznounEuphemism
The plural of mistakes, used by people who are not permitted to say mistakes.
Real meaningWe failed and have prepared a slide.
"There are some really valuable learnings from this quarter."
loop inverbEuphemism
To add a colleague to a fifty-message thread with no summary, so that the problem now has an owner.
Real meaningYou are responsible for this now, and you have no context.
"Looping in Priya for visibility."
loh HANG-ing frootnounBafflegab
The obvious improvements that everyone in the room has already considered, quietly rejected, and would now like you to stop bringing up.
Real meaningNobody skipped this by accident. Ask why.
"We'll start with the low-hanging fruit and reassess in the new year."
moov thuh NEE-dulverbBafflegab
To produce a measurable result, a phrase used almost exclusively by people who have not produced one and are now asking you to.
Real meaningI need a number with my name on it by Friday.
"We need to be honest about whether this work is really moving the needle."
MOO-ving FOR-wudphraseBafflegab
A verbal reset button pressed immediately after a failure, so that the failure can be discussed exclusively in the future tense.
Real meaningWe are not going to examine what just happened.
"Moving forward, we'll have tighter controls on the budget."
noh BRAY-nernounBafflegab
A decision so self-evidently correct that anyone who questions it is assumed to be the obstacle.
Real meaningAgree, or be identified as the problem.
"Funding the migration is a no-brainer at this point."
north starnounBafflegab
A single unifying goal, cited in every deck and rewritten every quarter, which has never once been used to turn anything down.
Real meaningWe reject nothing, so we have no strategy.
"Everything we do should ladder up to the north star."
OP-tiksnounEuphemism
The branch of corporate philosophy concerned not with whether a decision is wrong, but with how it will read in a screenshot.
Real meaningWe are not asking whether it is right. We are asking how it will look.
"From an optics perspective, we probably shouldn't announce it this week."
per my last EE-maylphraseEuphemism
A phrase establishing, for the record, that you already said this, were ignored, and will be remembering it.
Real meaningI am building a file on you.
"Per my last email, the deadline was Friday."
pingverbBafflegab
To send a message with no greeting, no context, and the implicit expectation of an immediate response.
Real meaningYour attention belongs to me now.
"Ping me when you get a sec."
PIV-utverbEuphemism
To abandon a failing strategy with such conviction that it appears to have been the plan all along.
Real meaningWe were wrong and would like credit for noticing.
"We didn't fail, we pivoted to a more focused offering."
kwik KWES-chunnounBafflegab
A preamble that guarantees the exchange will be neither quick nor, strictly speaking, a question.
Real meaningI am about to take twenty minutes you had allocated to something else.
"Quick question — do you have five minutes to walk me through the whole architecture?"
REE-orgnounEuphemism
A restructure in which nobody is fired and a third of the staff are simply no longer here.
Real meaningThere were firings.
"The reorg will make us leaner and faster."
RYT-syzverbSpicyEuphemism
To remove staff while implying they were the wrong size rather than merely surplus.
Real meaningYou are being let go, and it is being framed as a measurement.
"We rightsized the team to match the new operating model."
run it up thuh FLAG-pohlverbEuphemism
To float an idea publicly so that the reaction can be measured before anyone is held responsible for it.
Real meaningI am testing whether this will get me fired.
"Let me run it up the flagpole and see if it flies."
SOH-shuh-lyzverbEuphemism
To introduce an idea to enough people individually that objecting to it in public would cost more than agreeing to it.
Real meaningYou will hear about this in the meeting, and it will already be decided.
"I've socialised the proposal and the feedback has been broadly positive."
STAYK-hohl-dernounBafflegab
Any of the nineteen people who must approve your work, none of whom have read it, and one of whom will object at the last possible moment.
Real meaningSomeone will say no on Friday afternoon.
"We'll need to get stakeholder buy-in before we proceed."
struh-TEE-jik rih-VYOOnounEuphemism
An audit commissioned to supply evidence for a decision that was reached before the audit began.
Real meaningWe already know the answer and require your signature.
"We're conducting a strategic review of the division."
SUN-setverbEuphemism
To discontinue a product quietly, so that nobody has to stand up and announce a failure.
Real meaningWe are killing it and hoping you do not notice.
"The legacy tier will be sunset over the next two quarters."
SIN-er-jeenounEuphemism
The word used to describe two departments being merged into one, in the version of the announcement that does not mention the redundancies.
Real meaningForty roles are becoming twenty-eight and the slide is green.
"We're realising real synergies across the merged function."
tayk this OF-lahynphraseEuphemism
To move a disagreement out of the meeting and into a private conversation where witnesses cannot be called.
Real meaningYou are embarrassing me in front of people who outrank you.
"Great point, let's take this offline so we don't hold up the group."
thingk owt-SYD thuh boksphraseBafflegab
An instruction to be original, delivered in the same six words to every employee since 1994 and never accompanied by permission to break a rule.
Real meaningBe creative. Change nothing. Embarrass no one.
"I need everyone thinking outside the box on this one."
tuch baysverbBafflegab
To initiate contact with a colleague for no stated purpose, in the hope that proximity will be mistaken for productivity.
Real meaningI need to look busy and you were the nearest name.
"Just touching base to see where we're at with the thing nobody assigned."
un-FOR-chun-ut-leeadverbEuphemism
The first word of an automated rejection, chosen so that the decision appears to have been reached sadly rather than set by a template.
Real meaningNobody read this. A system sent it.
"Unfortunately, your application was not successful on this occasion."
VAL-yoo adnounBafflegab
A contribution described in terms abstract enough that it can never be measured, attributed, or questioned without the questioner looking difficult.
Real meaningNobody has asked what I actually do, and I intend to keep it that way.
"I think there's a real value-add in having me on the call."
wee hurd yoophraseEuphemism
A response to feedback confirming that the feedback was received, logged, and will be outlived by the problem.
Real meaningNothing is going to change.
"We heard you on workload, and we're exploring options."