46 entries
Everything your employer calls a benefit and your therapist calls a symptom.
Search within Work & Ambition →akt yor wayjphraseDiagnosis
An instruction to withhold effort in proportion to pay, delivered as a joke by both sides because neither is permitted to be direct.
Real meaningYou are not paying for enthusiasm.
"He's very much act your wage since the pay review."
AJ-yleadjectiveBafflegab
A methodology for delivering software continuously, chiefly characterised by meetings about the methodology.
Real meaningWe have a process for our process.
"We're agile, so we don't need a detailed roadmap."
uh-NON-ih-mus SUR-vaynounEuphemism
A questionnaire promising confidentiality while asking for your department, your tenure and your manager's name.
Real meaningIt is not anonymous.
"Please complete the anonymous engagement survey."
ay-SING-kruh-nusadjectiveEuphemism
Communicating on your own schedule, with the understanding that everyone else will be expected to be online immediately.
Real meaningDo not expect a reply after five, but I expect one now.
"We're an asynchronous team, so we document everything."
bak tuh bakadjectiveBafflegab
Describes a calendar with no gaps, read by management as a measure of commitment rather than a symptom.
Real meaningThere is no time to think, and that is the point.
"I'm back-to-back until four, can we do five?"
bair MIN-ih-mum MUN-daynounDiagnosis
The one day the entire workforce silently agrees to do as little as possible and to describe it as boundary-setting.
Real meaningMonday is a write-off and we have agreed not to say so.
"I'm having a bare minimum Monday, don't expect anything."
BOS-wairnounSpicyDiagnosis
Software that records your keystrokes, screenshots your screen and logs your presence so that your employer can feel something.
Real meaningThey do not trust you and have bought proof.
"The new laptops ship with bossware on them."
BURN-owtnounDiagnosis
The occupational condition produced by a culture that has a word for it precisely so that it does not have to change.
Real meaningYou are exhausted and it is your responsibility to fix it.
"Since the restructure, we've seen a lot of burnout across the team."
kuh-REER PATH-ingnounEuphemism
A documented future for your role, drawn by someone who will not be here to honour it.
Real meaningA diagram that will be invalidated at the next reorg.
"We've mapped out clear career pathing for individual contributors."
klohs nitadjectiveEuphemism
Describes a workplace where everybody knows each other, which is warm until you work out that the knowing is what keeps you out.
Real meaningEveryone here was at the same university. You were not.
"We're a close-knit team, we really look after each other."
KAW-fee BAJ-ingnounDiagnosis
Attending the office just long enough to be seen, which is the amount of work the office was ever for.
Real meaningI showed up, you cannot say otherwise.
"He's fully coffee badging since the mandate came in."
KUL-cher adnounBafflegab
A hiring criterion invented to replace culture fit without altering the practice it describes.
Real meaningSame instinct, better branding.
"We're looking for a culture add, not just a culture fit."
KUL-cher fitnounEuphemism
A hiring criterion that reliably selects for people who resemble the people already there.
Real meaningWe want someone we would get a drink with.
"They had great skills but weren't quite the right culture fit."
em-PLOY-ee en-GAYJ-muntnounEuphemism
A measurement of morale, taken repeatedly, without any commitment to act on the result.
Real meaningWe will survey you about this forever.
"Engagement scores are down, so we're launching a listening programme."
EG-zit IN-ter-vyoonounEuphemism
A candid conversation about everything wrong with the company, held at the precise moment you have lost both the reason and the power to lie.
Real meaningYour honesty will be filed and ignored.
"I told them the truth in the exit interview."
hot DES-kingnounEuphemism
An office policy that converts the cost of a desk into the cost of arriving at seven in the morning to compete for one.
Real meaningWe sold your desk and called it freedom.
"Hot-desking means you can sit with a different team every day."
aych-arrnounSpicyEuphemism
The department that exists to protect the company from you, introduced at every onboarding as the department that protects you from the company.
Real meaningThey are not on your side.
"I'd take that to HR if I were you."
HUS-ul KUL-chernounDiagnosis
The belief that rest is a character flaw, promoted most aggressively by people who no longer need to work.
Real meaningNobody is going to give you your evening back.
"I'll sleep when I'm dead, that's just the hustle culture I grew up in."
HY-brid WUR-kingnounEuphemism
An arrangement in which you commute to a building to attend video calls.
Real meaningBest of both, for the landlord.
"Our hybrid working model gives people real flexibility."
MAN-uh-jing upnounEuphemism
The unpaid second job of translating your actual output into language your manager can repeat to theirs.
Real meaningDo your boss's job of understanding your job.
"She's brilliant at managing up, which is why she got promoted."
MAN-duh-tor-ee funnounEuphemism
A team activity whose attendance is tracked.
Real meaningYou will be there, and you will smile.
"It's optional, but we'd love to see everyone at the kayaking day."
MEE-ting that kood hav been an EE-maylphraseDiagnosis
A gathering held because someone wanted to speak rather than write, at a cost borne by everyone.
Real meaningThis was a status update.
"That was a meeting that could have been an email."
MEN-tul helth daynounEuphemism
A day of leave offered by an employer to manage a condition that the same employer's working practices are helping to manufacture.
Real meaningRest, but we would like credit for it.
"I'm taking a mental health day, the last sprint broke me."
ON-bor-dingnounBafflegab
The process by which a company teaches a new hire everything, once, in the first three days, and never again.
Real meaningHere is a laptop and a link to the wiki.
"Onboarding was a bit chaotic but everyone was lovely."
OH-pun plan OF-isnounBafflegab
A design philosophy that converts the cost of walls into the cost of concentration.
Real meaningCheaper for them, louder for you.
"The open-plan office really encourages spontaneous collaboration."
per-FOR-muns im-PROOV-munt plannounSpicyEuphemism
A document that opens the legal process of removing you while describing itself as support.
Real meaningSign it, then start looking.
"He's on a PIP, so he'll be gone by spring."
per-FOR-muns rih-VYOOnounEuphemism
An annual ritual in which your manager reads aloud a document written about you, in the third person, months ago.
Real meaningHere is a verdict you cannot appeal.
"We'll discuss your performance review ratings in the calibration meeting."
PEET-suh PAR-teenounEuphemism
A gesture of corporate gratitude, priced per person, offered in lieu of a raise.
Real meaningHere is $6 of food instead of the money.
"We hit the target, so there's a pizza party on Friday."
KWY-it FY-ringnounDiagnosis
The practice of removing an employee by making their job unbearable and then waiting.
Real meaningWe would rather you quit than pay severance.
"He wasn't managed out, he just decided to move on."
KWY-it KWIT-ingnounDiagnosis
The radical act of performing the exact job described in the employment contract.
Real meaningWorking to rule, but it sounds worse now.
"Since the reorg, half the team has quietly quit."
rih-TURN too OF-isnounEuphemism
A policy justified by collaboration, implemented to justify a lease.
Real meaningWe own the building for another nine years.
"The return to office is about culture, not square footage."
skrum MAS-ternounBafflegab
A role dedicated to the meetings that were supposed to replace meetings.
Real meaningSomebody has to run the ceremony.
"Our scrum master is blocking out focus time for the team."
sprintnounBafflegab
A fixed period of intense work named after a kind of running that nobody in the room has attempted.
Real meaningTwo weeks, then a ceremony.
"We're carrying three tickets into the next sprint."
STAND-upnounBafflegab
A brief daily meeting in which people describe work they have not done since the last one.
Real meaningFifteen minutes of performance before actual work.
"Let's keep stand-up to ten minutes today."
star KAN-dih-datnounBafflegab
A hiring term that promises a performer rather than a colleague, and reliably attracts people who will degrade the codebase and dominate the room.
Real meaningWe want somebody difficult, and we are calling it talent.
"We're looking for a rockstar candidate to own the platform."
SUN-day SKAY-reeznounDiagnosis
The dread that settles in on the last afternoon of the week and lasts until the other five.
Real meaningA normal response to an abnormal arrangement.
"I've got a serious case of the Sunday scaries."
teem BIL-dingnounBafflegab
The practice of solving interpersonal problems by making everyone fall backwards into each other.
Real meaningWe are not addressing the actual conflict.
"We've got a team building afternoon at the climbing gym."
teem OF-sytnounEuphemism
A compulsory trip in which you are asked to disclose your authentic self to the people who will evaluate your performance.
Real meaningWe have taken your weekend and given you a lanyard.
"The offsite was actually really valuable, I think."
TOK-sik poz-ih-TIV-ih-teenounDiagnosis
An insistence on good vibes deployed to prevent anyone naming the problem.
Real meaningBe unhappy quietly.
"Let's keep the energy positive in the all-hands."
un-LIM-ih-tid pee-tee-ohnounEuphemism
A benefit that removes the accrual and transfers the guilt.
Real meaningThere is no balance to pay out when you leave.
"Take all the time you need, we have unlimited PTO."
UP-skil-ingnounEuphemism
The transfer of responsibility for keeping a business current from the business to its employees.
Real meaningLearn the new system on your own time.
"We're investing in upskilling the whole department this year."
VOL-un-tair-ee uh-TRISH-unnounEuphemism
Resignations, counted as successes by whoever set the target that caused them.
Real meaningThey quit, which we are calling a win.
"Attrition is running slightly above plan."
wee tayk this SEER-ee-us-leephraseEuphemism
A statement issued after a complaint, before an investigation, and never again.
Real meaningWe have a policy about it and nothing else.
"We take allegations of this nature extremely seriously."
weer uh FAM-uh-leephraseEuphemism
A claim of kinship used to justify the hours and the pay of an arrangement that can be terminated unilaterally.
Real meaningYou will be asked to make sacrifices a job has no right to ask for.
"We're a family here, so we all pitch in when it's crunch time."
WEL-nis PROH-gramnounEuphemism
A subsidised gym membership and a mindfulness app, priced into your benefits, offered in place of a workload you could survive.
Real meaningHere is a coping mechanism instead of a solution.
"Take advantage of the wellness programme, that's what it's there for."
wurk lyf BAL-unsnounBafflegab
A state your employer claims to support and quietly schedules meetings over.
Real meaningPlease be reachable after seven.
"We really care about work-life balance here."