Every word, filterable.

ten-eks en-juh-NEER·nounBafflegab

A developer whose output is ten times that of a colleague, measured in code that everyone else would rather have less of.

Real meaning

A person who is difficult in meetings.

akt yor wayj·phraseDiagnosis

An instruction to withhold effort in proportion to pay, delivered as a joke by both sides because neither is permitted to be direct.

Real meaning

You are not paying for enthusiasm.

AK-shun EYE-tem·nounBafflegab

A task assigned aloud in a meeting so that it can be safely forgotten by everyone present.

Real meaning

Someone will be blamed for this later.

uh-DUL-ting·nounBafflegab

The performance of ordinary tasks with the theatrical exhaustion of someone who was never informed they would be required.

Real meaning

I booked a dentist appointment.

ay-jee-eye TYM-lyn·nounBafflegab

A prediction about the arrival of human-level machine intelligence, always delivered with total confidence and always wrong.

Real meaning

Ask me again in five years.

AJ-yle·adjectiveBafflegab

A methodology for delivering software continuously, chiefly characterised by meetings about the methodology.

Real meaning

We have a process for our process.

ay-eye POW-erd·adjectiveBafflegab

Describes any product containing a text box, a subscription, and a large language model mentioned within earshot of whoever is funding it.

Real meaning

We added a chat box and raised the price.

uh-LYN·verbEuphemism

To secure agreement by scheduling the same conversation four times, until the objections are too tired to attend.

Real meaning

We will keep meeting until you stop disagreeing.

uh-NON-ih-mus SUR-vay·nounEuphemism

A questionnaire promising confidentiality while asking for your department, your tenure and your manager's name.

Real meaning

It is not anonymous.

ay-SING-kruh-nus·adjectiveEuphemism

Communicating on your own schedule, with the understanding that everyone else will be expected to be online immediately.

Real meaning

Do not expect a reply after five, but I expect one now.

ay-SING-kruh-nus FREND-ship·nounCoinage

A friendship maintained entirely through reactions, shared links and delayed replies, in which both parties are aware it has stopped but neither…

Real meaning

We still like each other, and we have stopped speaking.

aw-TON-uh-mus AY-jent·nounBafflegab

Software permitted to take actions on your behalf, up to and including the ones you would not approve.

Real meaning

We gave it the credentials and hoped.

bak tuh bak·adjectiveBafflegab

Describes a calendar with no gaps, read by management as a measure of commitment rather than a symptom.

Real meaning

There is no time to think, and that is the point.

BAND-width·nounEuphemism

A finite personal resource that becomes infinite when a senior leader is asking and zero the moment you are.

Real meaning

I have capacity for anything except this.

bair MIN-ih-mum MUN-day·nounDiagnosis

The one day the entire workforce silently agrees to do as little as possible and to describe it as boundary-setting.

Real meaning

Monday is a write-off and we have agreed not to say so.

bed ROT-ing·nounEuphemism

The deliberate refusal to leave bed, rebranded from a symptom into a wellness practice by people who could afford the day off.

Real meaning

I am depressed and calling it self-care.

bayzh flag·nounDiagnosis

A middling incompatibility, invented because calling it a red flag felt excessive and calling it fine felt dishonest.

Real meaning

Not a dealbreaker, but I have told everyone.

best PRAK-tis·nounBafflegab

Whatever the largest competitor did, adopted without evidence and defended thereafter as though it were gravity.

Real meaning

Somebody's guess, now policy.

BLOK-chayn·nounBafflegab

A distributed ledger that solves the problem of needing a trusted third party by requiring everyone to trust an anonymous third party.

Real meaning

We needed a reason to use the word decentralised.

BOS-wair·nounSpicyDiagnosis

Software that records your keystrokes, screenshots your screen and logs your presence so that your employer can feel something.

Real meaning

They do not trust you and have bought proof.

boy math·nounDiagnosis

A system of arithmetic in which four dinners, three taxis and one borrowed twenty are rounded up to 'I basically paid for everything'.

Real meaning

The total was chosen first. The addition came afterwards.

brayn rot·nounSpicyDiagnosis

The cognitive condition produced by an attention economy, named by the people consuming it as a joke rather than a diagnosis.

Real meaning

We have done this to ourselves and made it a meme.

BURN-owt·nounDiagnosis

The occupational condition produced by a culture that has a word for it precisely so that it does not have to change.

Real meaning

You are exhausted and it is your responsibility to fix it.

kan yoo see my skreen·phraseBafflegab

A question asked by someone who has been presenting to a frozen image of their own desktop for four minutes.

Real meaning

We have abandoned the agenda and are now troubleshooting.

KAN-sul KUL-cher·nounEuphemism

Accountability, when it happens to someone whose content you enjoy.

Real meaning

Consequences, but for my favourite person.

kuh-REER PATH-ing·nounEuphemism

A documented future for your role, drawn by someone who will not be here to honour it.

Real meaning

A diagram that will be invalidated at the next reorg.

KRON-ik-lee ON-lyn·adjectiveDiagnosis

Describes a person whose understanding of the world is assembled entirely from the reactions of strangers, and who can therefore be defeated by one…

Real meaning

Nothing has happened to me and I have opinions about everything.

SUR-kul bak·verbEuphemism

A tactical postponement technique used in meetings to delay a decision until the underlying problem either resolves itself or destroys the company.

Real meaning

I am ignoring this until next quarter.

klohs nit·adjectiveEuphemism

Describes a workplace where everybody knows each other, which is warm until you work out that the knowing is what keeps you out.

Real meaning

Everyone here was at the same university. You were not.

KLUS-ter-fuk·nounSpicyDiagnosis

A project with eleven owners, no decision-maker, and a launch date that cannot move.

Real meaning

Everyone is responsible, which is how nobody is.

KAW-fee BAJ-ing·nounDiagnosis

Attending the office just long enough to be seen, which is the amount of work the office was ever for.

Real meaning

I showed up, you cannot say otherwise.

kun-VEEN-yuns fee·nounEuphemism

A charge added for the convenience of the company, passed on to you, on the grounds that you had no alternative.

Real meaning

We are charging you for the till.

KRIP-toh WOL-it·nounBafflegab

A password holding your money, with no bank to telephone, no reset link, and nobody to blame but the arrangement you chose.

Real meaning

There is no forgot my password. That is the feature.

KUL-cher ad·nounBafflegab

A hiring criterion invented to replace culture fit without altering the practice it describes.

Real meaning

Same instinct, better branding.

KUL-cher fit·nounEuphemism

A hiring criterion that reliably selects for people who resemble the people already there.

Real meaning

We want someone we would get a drink with.

dark PAT-ern·nounSpicyDiagnosis

A piece of design so effective at manipulating users that acknowledging it would constitute a confession.

Real meaning

The unsubscribe button is behind a phone call on purpose.

DAY-tuh DRIV-un·adjectiveBafflegab

Describes a decision reached first and furnished with statistics afterwards, ordinarily by whoever owns the dashboard.

Real meaning

We found a number that agrees with us.

deep dyv·nounBafflegab

A ninety-minute examination of a question that was answered in the first four, attended by eleven people, ending in a request for another meeting.

Real meaning

The answer was in the first four minutes. This is what we did instead.

dih-LOO-loo·adjectiveDiagnosis

Describes a belief held so far beyond the available evidence that the only honest response is to give it a nickname.

Real meaning

We stopped calling it denial because denial sounds like a problem.

dee-MAS-kyuh-lay-tid·adjectiveCoinage

Describes a man who believed he was the hard one, until a moment of pure karma removed the belief in front of an audience. It happens physically…

Real meaning

He was the toughest man in the car park until somebody tougher turned up, and the same thing happens every time he unmutes.

dih-MYOOR·adjectiveBafflegab

Describes modesty performed energetically enough, and publicly enough, to be noticed for it.

Real meaning

I have told nine million people how understated I am.

DEV-ulz AD-vuh-kut·nounEuphemism

A person who raises objections they do not hold, in order to delay a decision they dislike without being held responsible for delaying it.

Real meaning

I am blocking this from a safe distance.

dis-RUP-ter·nounBafflegab

An unmonetised application that replaces a functioning offline process with an expensive subscription.

Real meaning

The offline process worked fine and it was free.

doo mor with les·phraseEuphemism

An instruction to absorb the work of departed colleagues at unchanged pay, described as an opportunity.

Real meaning

Work harder for the same money.

DAWG-foo-ding·verbBafflegab

Using your own product, which is how most employees discover they would not buy it.

Real meaning

Mandatory internal usage.

doom SPEN-ding·nounDiagnosis

Buying something expensive in order to feel briefly alive in a world you have concluded is ending anyway.

Real meaning

The economy is collapsing, so here is a handbag.

DOOM-skroh-ling·nounDiagnosis

The practice of consuming catastrophe until you are either numb or asleep, whichever arrives first.

Real meaning

I cannot look away and I cannot help.

DUB-ul klik·verbBafflegab

To ask a follow-up question, phrased as a gesture of curiosity rather than interrogation.

Real meaning

Explain yourself.

dy-NAM-ik PRY-sing·nounEuphemism

Charging different people different amounts for the same thing, described as responsiveness rather than as finding out what you will pay.

Real meaning

The price is whatever you will tolerate right now.

em-PLOY-ee en-GAYJ-munt·nounEuphemism

A measurement of morale, taken repeatedly, without any commitment to act on the result.

Real meaning

We will survey you about this forever.

en-SHIT-ih-fih-KAY-shun·nounDiagnosis

The predictable arc in which a platform is good to its users until it has enough of them, then good to its advertisers until it has enough of those…

Real meaning

It was good, you were the product, and now there is nothing left to extract.

EG-zit·nounEuphemism

The moment founders are paid for the company's potential, which was always the only part of it that existed.

Real meaning

We sold before it had to work.

EG-zit IN-ter-vyoo·nounEuphemism

A candid conversation about everything wrong with the company, held at the precise moment you have lost both the reason and the power to lie.

Real meaning

Your honesty will be filed and ignored.

FOWN-der mohd·nounBafflegab

The practice of reasserting control over a company you already control, usually by firing people.

Real meaning

The board and I disagree.

FOWN-der FREND-lee·adjectiveSpicyEuphemism

Describes investment terms that insulate the founder from the consequences of a failure everybody else absorbs.

Real meaning

He gets paid either way.

FUK-yoo MUN-ee·nounSpicyDiagnosis

Wealth sufficient to end a conversation with an employer permanently and without negotiation.

Real meaning

Enough money to say no.

GOH-sting·nounDiagnosis

Ending a relationship by becoming, from the other person's perspective, dead.

Real meaning

I would rather disappear than explain.

GLOH-up·nounBafflegab

A dramatic personal improvement, published alongside the before photograph so that everyone who knew you at fifteen is aware of the change.

Real meaning

This is addressed to about four specific people.

goh UP-mar-kit·verbEuphemism

To abandon the users who made you popular in pursuit of the buyers who will make you profitable.

Real meaning

We are leaving you behind and calling it growth.

grohth HAK-ing·nounEuphemism

The practice of paying for advertising, describing it as a growth loop, and presenting the resulting sign-ups as proof of product-market fit.

Real meaning

The spend is in the spreadsheet. The story is in the deck.

huh-loo-sih-NAY-shun·nounEuphemism

A confident falsehood produced by a machine, a word chosen because error would imply someone was responsible.

Real meaning

It made it up.

hard lawnch·nounDiagnosis

The public declaration of a relationship, timed to maximise the discomfort of at least one former partner.

Real meaning

This is serious and I want someone specific to see it.

hard stop·nounBafflegab

The moment a meeting must end, disclosed forty minutes in and treated by everyone as an act of God rather than a calendar.

Real meaning

I have somewhere better to be, and you are hearing about it now.

hed kownt·nounEuphemism

Employees, counted as a resource right up until the moment they are counted as a cost.

Real meaning

People, but on a spreadsheet.

HED-windz·nounEuphemism

External conditions blamed for internal failure, cited in the same deck that claims personal credit for everything that went right.

Real meaning

It is the economy's fault, never ours.

hy skool NEV-er endz·phraseDiagnosis

The observation that adult social life reproduces the status hierarchies of secondary school, with better budgeting.

Real meaning

The popular ones are still popular, the quiet ones are still quiet, and everybody still knows which they were.

hot DES-king·nounEuphemism

An office policy that converts the cost of a desk into the cost of arriving at seven in the morning to compete for one.

Real meaning

We sold your desk and called it freedom.

aych-arr·nounSpicyEuphemism

The department that exists to protect the company from you, introduced at every onboarding as the department that protects you from the company.

Real meaning

They are not on your side.

HUM-bul-brag·nounDiagnosis

A boast wearing the costume of a confession, ordinarily beginning with an apology for the thing being announced.

Real meaning

I am telling you that I am winning.

HUS-ul KUL-cher·nounDiagnosis

The belief that rest is a character flaw, promoted most aggressively by people who no longer need to work.

Real meaning

Nobody is going to give you your evening back.

HY-brid WUR-king·nounEuphemism

An arrangement in which you commute to a building to attend video calls.

Real meaning

Best of both, for the landlord.

eye hohp yoo ar wel·phraseBafflegab

A mandatory opening ritual whose sincerity is inversely proportional to the size of the favour that follows it.

Real meaning

I have not thought about you once, and I am about to ask for something.

EYE-dee-ayt·verbBafflegab

To have a thought while being paid, and to describe it in a way that guarantees no one enjoys it.

Real meaning

Brainstorm, but worse.

id-ee-OK-ruh-see·nounDiagnosis

A system in which the least qualified people travel furthest, which everybody treats as satire right up until they check who is in charge.

Real meaning

The word came first. The film only made it a diagnosis.

IN-floo-en-ser·nounEuphemism

A person employed to be perceived, whose labour is the perception itself.

Real meaning

Their job is that you know their name.

just FOL-oh-ing up·phraseEuphemism

A second contact, sent to confirm that the first was received and ignored, and to establish a paper trail for the sender's own protection.

Real meaning

I am documenting that this is your fault.

LUR-ningz·nounEuphemism

The plural of mistakes, used by people who are not permitted to say mistakes.

Real meaning

We failed and have prepared a slide.

loop in·verbEuphemism

To add a colleague to a fifty-message thread with no summary, so that the problem now has an owner.

Real meaning

You are responsible for this now, and you have no context.

lor·nounDiagnosis

The private history of a stranger, catalogued in detail by people who will never meet them and would not be liked by them.

Real meaning

Their worst year is our best afternoon.

lowd BUJ-ih-ting·nounBafflegab

The practice of announcing that you are not buying anything this month, in a tone calibrated to be admired for it.

Real meaning

I am not buying it, and I would like to be praised for that.

loh HANG-ing froot·nounBafflegab

The obvious improvements that everyone in the room has already considered, quietly rejected, and would now like you to stop bringing up.

Real meaning

Nobody skipped this by accident. Ask why.

mayn KAR-ak-ter EN-er-jee·nounDiagnosis

The delusional confidence required to treat a public coffee shop as the set of a cinematic montage.

Real meaning

Everyone else is an extra in your film.

MAN-uh-jing up·nounEuphemism

The unpaid second job of translating your actual output into language your manager can repeat to theirs.

Real meaning

Do your boss's job of understanding your job.

MAN-duh-tor-ee fun·nounEuphemism

A team activity whose attendance is tracked.

Real meaning

You will be there, and you will smile.

MAN-ih-fest-ing·nounBafflegab

The belief that wanting something hard enough is a strategy, popular among people with other options.

Real meaning

I have not made a plan.

man-ih-FES-toh·nounBafflegab

A document explaining why existing law, ethics and social norms do not apply to a company that has not yet made anything.

Real meaning

We are going to break things and would like to be thanked for it.

MEE-ting that kood hav been an EE-mayl·phraseDiagnosis

A gathering held because someone wanted to speak rather than write, at a cost borne by everyone.

Real meaning

This was a status update.

MEN-tul helth day·nounEuphemism

A day of leave offered by an employer to manage a condition that the same employer's working practices are helping to manufacture.

Real meaning

Rest, but we would like credit for it.

MET-uh-vurs·nounBafflegab

A virtual world that was going to replace the internet until everyone tried it.

Real meaning

We have built a lobby with no doors.

MY-kroh-doh-sing DIS-uh-plin·nounCoinage

Performing the smallest visible version of a healthy habit and claiming the identity of somebody who does it properly.

Real meaning

I did five minutes and I have told everyone.

MIN-ih-mum VY-uh-bul PROD-ukt·nounEuphemism

The smallest thing a company can charge for without being legally obligated to apologise.

Real meaning

We are launching early and calling it research.

moov fast and brayk thingz·phraseSpicyBafflegab

A management philosophy in which the moving is done by founders and the breaking is done by everybody else.

Real meaning

We will cause harm and call it velocity.

moov thuh NEE-dul·verbBafflegab

To produce a measurable result, a phrase used almost exclusively by people who have not produced one and are now asking you to.

Real meaning

I need a number with my name on it by Friday.

MOO-ving FOR-wud·phraseBafflegab

A verbal reset button pressed immediately after a failure, so that the failure can be discussed exclusively in the future tense.

Real meaning

We are not going to examine what just happened.

NEP-oh BAY-bee·nounSpicyDiagnosis

A person whose career began at the front of a queue, discussed in public only when they do something embarrassing.

Real meaning

Their first job was one phone call away.

en-ef-tee·nounBafflegab

A receipt proving ownership of something anyone can view, copy, and enjoy without paying.

Real meaning

You bought a link. The picture was always free.

noh BRAY-ner·nounBafflegab

A decision so self-evidently correct that anyone who questions it is assumed to be the obstacle.

Real meaning

Agree, or be identified as the problem.

noh kohd·adjectiveBafflegab

A tool that lets you build software without engineers until the exact moment you need an engineer.

Real meaning

Low code, high subscription.

north star·nounBafflegab

A single unifying goal, cited in every deck and rewritten every quarter, which has never once been used to turn anything down.

Real meaning

We reject nothing, so we have no strategy.

ON-bor-ding·nounBafflegab

The process by which a company teaches a new hire everything, once, in the first three days, and never again.

Real meaning

Here is a laptop and a link to the wiki.

OH-pun plan OF-is·nounBafflegab

A design philosophy that converts the cost of walls into the cost of concentration.

Real meaning

Cheaper for them, louder for you.

OP-tiks·nounEuphemism

The branch of corporate philosophy concerned not with whether a decision is wrong, but with how it will read in a screenshot.

Real meaning

We are not asking whether it is right. We are asking how it will look.

nounCoinage

Applying productivity software to the business of being a person, on the assumption that the problem was never the software.

Real meaning

I have optimised everything and I am exhausted.

pair-uh-SOH-shul·adjectiveDiagnosis

Describes a relationship in which one party has no knowledge of the other and both have strong opinions.

Real meaning

I feel like I know them.

per my last EE-mayl·phraseEuphemism

A phrase establishing, for the record, that you already said this, were ignored, and will be remembering it.

Real meaning

I am building a file on you.

per-FOR-muns im-PROOV-munt plan·nounSpicyEuphemism

A document that opens the legal process of removing you while describing itself as support.

Real meaning

Sign it, then start looking.

per-FOR-muns rih-VYOO·nounEuphemism

An annual ritual in which your manager reads aloud a document written about you, in the third person, months ago.

Real meaning

Here is a verdict you cannot appeal.

PUR-suh-nul brand·nounBafflegab

The ongoing project of being perceived, undertaken by people who would rather be perceived than employed.

Real meaning

I am between roles and monetising it.

PIK-mee·nounDiagnosis

A person who performs eagerness for approval, mocked by the same culture that spent a decade rewarding it.

Real meaning

Desperate, in a way we find embarrassing.

ping·verbBafflegab

To send a message with no greeting, no context, and the implicit expectation of an immediate response.

Real meaning

Your attention belongs to me now.

PIV-ut·verbEuphemism

To abandon a failing strategy with such conviction that it appears to have been the plan all along.

Real meaning

We were wrong and would like credit for noticing.

PIV-ut too ay-eye·verbEuphemism

To append a language model to a failing product and announce a new company.

Real meaning

We have run out of ideas and money simultaneously.

PEET-suh PAR-tee·nounEuphemism

A gesture of corporate gratitude, priced per person, offered in lieu of a raise.

Real meaning

Here is $6 of food instead of the money.

pland ob-suh-LES-uns·nounDiagnosis

Designing a product to stop working at the point where repairing it becomes expensive, so that replacement looks like a choice.

Real meaning

It was built to die on schedule.

pree REV-uh-nyoo·adjectiveEuphemism

A business that has not sold anything, described as though the selling is a formality.

Real meaning

We have no customers.

pri-VEN-tuh-tiv BURN-owt·nounCoinage

The exhaustion caused by the work required to avoid exhaustion, undertaken in order to avoid exhaustion.

Real meaning

The resting has become another job.

prod-uk-TIV-ih-tee gilt·nounCoinage

The low-grade dread of not working, felt most sharply while resting, which cancels the rest and guarantees the need for more of it.

Real meaning

I cannot enjoy this because I should be working.

prompt en-juh-NEER·nounBafflegab

A job title for people who ask questions clearly, a skill previously expected of everyone.

Real meaning

Someone who types carefully.

KWON-tum kum-PYOO-ting·nounBafflegab

A technology that will change everything in ten years, a claim that has itself been true for thirty.

Real meaning

Twenty years from being twenty years away.

kwik KWES-chun·nounBafflegab

A preamble that guarantees the exchange will be neither quick nor, strictly speaking, a question.

Real meaning

I am about to take twenty minutes you had allocated to something else.

KWY-it FY-ring·nounDiagnosis

The practice of removing an employee by making their job unbearable and then waiting.

Real meaning

We would rather you quit than pay severance.

KWY-it LUK-shuh-ree·nounDiagnosis

Wealth displayed by removing the logos, so that only the people who matter recognise the price and everybody else assumes it was affordable.

Real meaning

You are meant to know what this cost. That is the entire point.

KWY-it KWIT-ing·nounDiagnosis

The radical act of performing the exact job described in the employment contract.

Real meaning

Working to rule, but it sounds worse now.

rayj bayt·nounDiagnosis

Content engineered to provoke a response, rewarded by the algorithm and denied by the person who made it.

Real meaning

The anger is the product.

rih-SEETS·nounDiagnosis

Screenshots retained for future use, described as accountability when deployed by your side and as a grudge when deployed by theirs.

Real meaning

I kept the evidence.

red flag·nounDiagnosis

A warning sign, identified in others with total clarity and in oneself never.

Real meaning

A dealbreaker I will ignore for six months.

REG-yuh-luh-tor-ee AR-bih-trazh·nounSpicyDiagnosis

The business model of performing an activity in whichever jurisdiction has not yet made it illegal.

Real meaning

We checked which country would let us.

REE-org·nounEuphemism

A restructure in which nobody is fired and a third of the staff are simply no longer here.

Real meaning

There were firings.

rest az rih-WORD·nounCoinage

The belief that rest must be earned through exhaustion, which guarantees that by the time you are permitted to rest you are no longer able to.

Real meaning

Sleep is a prize and you have not won it yet.

rih-TURN too OF-is·nounEuphemism

A policy justified by collaboration, implemented to justify a lease.

Real meaning

We own the building for another nine years.

RYT-syz·verbSpicyEuphemism

To remove staff while implying they were the wrong size rather than merely surplus.

Real meaning

You are being let go, and it is being framed as a measurement.

ROH-mun EM-pyre·nounDiagnosis

An ancient civilisation, now best known as the answer everyone gives when asked what they think about, which has made thinking about it the entire…

Real meaning

One documentary series, and now it is a character trait.

run it up thuh FLAG-pohl·verbEuphemism

To float an idea publicly so that the reaction can be measured before anyone is held responsible for it.

Real meaning

I am testing whether this will get me fired.

SAD-fish-ing·nounDiagnosis

Posting distress to harvest attention, named by an audience that would rather diagnose the motive than respond to the pain.

Real meaning

We have decided that you are faking it.

skrum MAS-ter·nounBafflegab

A role dedicated to the meetings that were supposed to replace meetings.

Real meaning

Somebody has to run the ceremony.

SEER-eez ay·nounEuphemism

A milestone proving that a company has convinced adults to fund eighteen more months of not being a business.

Real meaning

Eighteen months, and then we have to explain the revenue.

SUR-ver-lis·adjectiveBafflegab

Running on someone else's computer, at a price that scales precisely with how badly you misjudged it.

Real meaning

There is a server. You are simply not allowed to know where.

ship it·phraseBafflegab

A call to release unfinished software, on the theory that users are an acceptable substitute for testing.

Real meaning

We are out of time.

shrink-FLAY-shun·nounDiagnosis

Reducing what the customer receives while holding the price, on the assumption that nobody reads the weight alongside the cost.

Real meaning

It costs the same and there is less of it.

syd HUS-ul·nounEuphemism

A second job, rebranded so that the first one does not have to pay enough.

Real meaning

I am exhausted and calling it ambition.

sich-oo-AY-shun-ship·nounDiagnosis

A relationship with all of the obligations and none of the vocabulary.

Real meaning

We see each other constantly and you are still on the apps.

SLEEP-mak-sing·nounBafflegab

Treating sleep as a competitive sport with equipment, metrics and a personality, until the pursuit of it becomes the reason you are not getting any.

Real meaning

I have bought a great many things to help me sleep.

SOH-shuh-lyz·verbEuphemism

To introduce an idea to enough people individually that objecting to it in public would cost more than agreeing to it.

Real meaning

You will hear about this in the meeting, and it will already be decided.

soft lawnch·nounDiagnosis

Introducing a partner to the internet in fragments, so that the relationship can be removed without a statement.

Real meaning

A hand, a shoulder, and a clean exit if it ends.

SPON-kon·nounDiagnosis

Paid advertising performed in the voice of a friend's recommendation, with the disclosure placed somewhere the thumb will never reach.

Real meaning

It is an advertisement, and the friendship is a format.

sprint·nounBafflegab

A fixed period of intense work named after a kind of running that nobody in the room has attempted.

Real meaning

Two weeks, then a ceremony.

STAYK-hohl-der·nounBafflegab

Any of the nineteen people who must approve your work, none of whom have read it, and one of whom will object at the last possible moment.

Real meaning

Someone will say no on Friday afternoon.

stan·verbDiagnosis

To defend a famous stranger from criticism with a ferocity unavailable for your own life.

Real meaning

Criticise them and I will find you.

STAND-up·nounBafflegab

A brief daily meeting in which people describe work they have not done since the last one.

Real meaning

Fifteen minutes of performance before actual work.

star KAN-dih-dat·nounBafflegab

A hiring term that promises a performer rather than a colleague, and reliably attracts people who will degrade the codebase and dominate the room.

Real meaning

We want somebody difficult, and we are calling it talent.

stelth mohd·nounEuphemism

The period during which a startup has no product, no customers, and no need to explain either.

Real meaning

There is nothing to see yet.

struh-TEE-jik rih-VYOO·nounEuphemism

An audit commissioned to supply evidence for a decision that was reached before the audit began.

Real meaning

We already know the answer and require your signature.

sub-SKRIP-shun fuh-TEEG·nounCoinage

The exhaustion of paying monthly for things that used to be a purchase, a possession, or included.

Real meaning

I own nothing and pay for everything.

SUN-day SKAY-reez·nounDiagnosis

The dread that settles in on the last afternoon of the week and lasts until the other five.

Real meaning

A normal response to an abnormal arrangement.

SUN-set·verbEuphemism

To discontinue a product quietly, so that nobody has to stand up and announce a failure.

Real meaning

We are killing it and hoping you do not notice.

SIN-er-jee·nounEuphemism

The word used to describe two departments being merged into one, in the version of the announcement that does not mention the redundancies.

Real meaning

Forty roles are becoming twenty-eight and the slide is green.

tayk this OF-lahyn·phraseEuphemism

To move a disagreement out of the meeting and into a private conversation where witnesses cannot be called.

Real meaning

You are embarrassing me in front of people who outrank you.

teem BIL-ding·nounBafflegab

The practice of solving interpersonal problems by making everyone fall backwards into each other.

Real meaning

We are not addressing the actual conflict.

teem OF-syt·nounEuphemism

A compulsory trip in which you are asked to disclose your authentic self to the people who will evaluate your performance.

Real meaning

We have taken your weekend and given you a lanyard.

tek det·nounDiagnosis

The engineering work deferred by someone who has since been promoted.

Real meaning

This is your problem now.

nounBafflegab

A structured programme promising to rebuild your life in three weeks, sold to people whose lives are not the part that needs rebuilding.

Real meaning

Three weeks, then straight back to the conditions that caused this.

thee AL-guh-rith-um·nounEuphemism

An unseen ranking system, blamed for every failure of reach and never credited with the fact that you are still awake at two in the morning.

Real meaning

It is not suppressing your work. It is showing people what they actually want.

thuh fyv ay-em klub·nounBafflegab

A status claim wearing the costume of a productivity tip, in which the hour you wake is offered as evidence of the person you are.

Real meaning

I get up early and I would like you to know.

thuh groop chat·nounDiagnosis

A private court that convenes without you, reviews your behaviour, and reaches a verdict you will feel before you hear.

Real meaning

Your reputation is decided by people who are not in the room with you.

thee ik·nounDiagnosis

A sudden irreversible loss of attraction caused by a detail so small it cannot be defended aloud.

Real meaning

He held the fork wrong and now it is over.

nounCoinage

Being offered fourteen options that are the same product from four companies, two of which turn out to be the same company.

Real meaning

You are choosing between the same three owners.

thuh LOY-ul-tee taks·nounCoinage

The surcharge paid for not shopping around, applied to everybody who assumed that staying would eventually be rewarded.

Real meaning

New customers get the discount. Existing ones fund it.

thingk owt-SYD thuh boks·phraseBafflegab

An instruction to be original, delivered in the same six words to every employee since 1994 and never accompanied by permission to break a rule.

Real meaning

Be creative. Change nothing. Embarrass no one.

THURST trap·nounBafflegab

A photograph in which the pose, the angle and the lighting were all chosen by accident, and the caption insists the post was about the sunset.

Real meaning

It was never about the sunset.

thawt LEE-der·nounBafflegab

A person whose insights are valuable in proportion to how few of them are specific.

Real meaning

Someone who posts a lot.

toh-kuh-NOM-iks·nounBafflegab

An economic model in which the only piece of arithmetic required to work is the founder's exit.

Real meaning

Numbers we invented to describe money we have not raised.

tuch bays·verbBafflegab

To initiate contact with a colleague for no stated purpose, in the hope that proximity will be mistaken for productivity.

Real meaning

I need to look busy and you were the nearest name.

tuch gras·phraseDiagnosis

An instruction to log off and engage with the physical world, issued almost exclusively by people still online.

Real meaning

You have lost perspective and I would like to say so.

TOK-sik poz-ih-TIV-ih-tee·nounDiagnosis

An insistence on good vibes deployed to prevent anyone naming the problem.

Real meaning

Be unhappy quietly.

TRAW-muh DUM-ping·nounSpicyDiagnosis

Disclosing intimate pain to an audience that did not request it, cannot leave, and will be asked to react.

Real meaning

Your wound is now my content.

trust mee broh·phraseDiagnosis

The security model of an entire asset class, stated out loud without embarrassment.

Real meaning

There has been no audit.

un-FOR-chun-ut-lee·adverbEuphemism

The first word of an automated rejection, chosen so that the decision appears to have been reached sadly rather than set by a template.

Real meaning

Nobody read this. A system sent it.

YOO-nih-korn·nounEuphemism

A private company valued at a billion dollars by investors who are also paid to value it.

Real meaning

A billion dollars, as agreed by the people paid to agree it.

un-LIM-ih-tid pee-tee-oh·nounEuphemism

A benefit that removes the accrual and transfers the guilt.

Real meaning

There is no balance to pay out when you leave.

UP-skil-ing·nounEuphemism

The transfer of responsibility for keeping a business current from the business to its employees.

Real meaning

Learn the new system on your own time.

VAL-yoo ad·nounBafflegab

A contribution described in terms abstract enough that it can never be measured, attributed, or questioned without the questioner looking difficult.

Real meaning

Nobody has asked what I actually do, and I intend to keep it that way.

vyb chek·nounDiagnosis

A character assessment completed in under four seconds, based on footwear and eye contact, and treated thereafter as evidence.

Real meaning

I formed an opinion in the doorway and will spend a year defending it.

vyb KOH-ding·nounDiagnosis

The practice of shipping software you cannot read, produced by a machine you cannot question, to users you cannot support.

Real meaning

Nobody here knows why it works.

VOL-un-tair-ee uh-TRISH-un·nounEuphemism

Resignations, counted as successes by whoever set the target that caused them.

Real meaning

They quit, which we are calling a win.

wee hurd yoo·phraseEuphemism

A response to feedback confirming that the feedback was received, logged, and will be outlived by the problem.

Real meaning

Nothing is going to change.

wee shud get KOF-ee·phraseCoinage

A closing ritual that performs enthusiasm for a relationship without committing any calendar time to it.

Real meaning

This conversation is over and we both know we will not do this.

wee tayk this SEER-ee-us-lee·phraseEuphemism

A statement issued after a complaint, before an investigation, and never again.

Real meaning

We have a policy about it and nothing else.

weer uh FAM-uh-lee·phraseEuphemism

A claim of kinship used to justify the hours and the pay of an arrangement that can be terminated unilaterally.

Real meaning

You will be asked to make sacrifices a job has no right to ask for.

web three·nounBafflegab

The internet, rebuilt by the people who own it, with the same enthusiasm as last time and none of the users.

Real meaning

Same platforms, new landlord, and now you pay gas.

WEL-nis PROH-gram·nounEuphemism

A subsidised gym membership and a mindfulness app, priced into your benefits, offered in place of a workload you could survive.

Real meaning

Here is a coping mechanism instead of a solution.

wurk lyf BAL-uns·nounBafflegab

A state your employer claims to support and quietly schedules meetings over.

Real meaning

Please be reachable after seven.